This post is a more personal one, and I hope my readers will be understanding of why I am so skeptical when it comes to long distance relationships. Based on my experience, I know it's something I will never do again nor aspire to do. I could never put myself through such heartache or torment again. Before you judge me, at least read the full post.
I'm not here to point fingers and say, "Long distance doesn't ever work." In some cases, it does, and my friends who moved across the world for love and married can definitely attest to successfully making their relationship work. In the end, someone had to sacrifice their dreams, home, country, and family to be together.
Long distance takes a toll on both parties mentally, physically and emotionally. As you spend time apart, you are not growing together as a couple. You're growing as separate people in the environment shaping you.
Once upon a time,
I was in a relationship with a soldier. I called him my hero. And he was a hero. A pahlawan to the country I love dearly. In April 2010, we started dating. August 2010, he deployed to Afghanistan and I transferred to Illinois State University from community college. We were both starting different chapters in different places.
What a soldier who is deployed fears the most is a Dear John letter. Horror stories about fellow comrades' women cheating caused him a great deal of paranoia. He was right to be fearful. There were many temptations of handsome young men at my college and drinking a little would lower inhibitions low enough to take them home. But you know what? I didn't. I knew even if I brought those unknown men home, it wouldn't fill the void in my heart for the person I truly desired. If there's one thing I pride myself on, it's loyalty. I am 100% in it from the get go, shit hit the fan or not. My ex would constantly beg me to be careful, not to drink, and watch who I was going out with (wow, I didn't know my roommates were so bad).
It was starting to take a toll on me mentally because I knew he believed I would cheat if he didn't warn me. Cheating wasn't part of my agenda. Why would I cheat? Shit happens, but my father always told me to trust someone as far as I could throw them, which, pre-Cross Fit days, wasn't very far. It didn't make sense to me. Had I given him any reason prior not to trust me, I would have understood.
Physically, the distance was taking a toll on me because he was so far away. There was no one to hold me at night while I cried tears of sadness, missing, hurting, wishing. No one was there to kiss my forehead and be my support. When you enter a relationship, your significant other becomes your best friend. Losing your best friend causes grief. The longing, the wanting. It's never easy. Quite frankly, those are emotions I hate having.
Maintaining a relationship over a long distance was emotionally draining. We spoke the same language and we still miscommunicated about topics we couldn't agree on. The Skype calls, the weird hours, the fear of him getting shot in a war zone. These were all very real and to this day, I haven't forgotten.
We made it through the deployment. He transferred to Illinois State and moved into an apartment a block away from me. I spent the majority of time at his apartment only to find the person who came back wasn't the person who left the previous year. I was living with a stranger.
I had a lot of my plate before and after he returned. So much so, it was starting to affect our relationship on top of my ex readjusting to civilian life. He became angry with me when I wasn't there for him and expected me to help nurse the hurts he had. I'm a pretty awesome person, but I'm no shrink. I told him to see a professional to help him get through things I could not help him with. At the time, I was only 21 years old and couldn't figure out my own life and problems. How on earth could I help someone who was shutting me out and saying I understood nothing of what he felt? He was right, I didn't understand, and I didn't want to delve into the fucked up workings of his mind.
I heard many military wives and girlfriends say, "If you can make it through a deployment, you can make it through anything. No one ever quite tells you how to deal with the aftermath. He had all ready mentally checked out the third month he had been home.The fourth month after his return, his actions, the arguments, ditching me to walk home alone on the college campus late at night, expecting me to tolerate people that made my skin crawl, and his post war readjustment made me end it. I said goodbye for my own good as well as his.
The hurt I had from his mental check out was the worst of all. He was waiting for me to end it and accused me of never being there for him during the deployment and when he was back. There's many more factors involved and the break up was super messy. I'm barely scraping the surface. Am I selfish? Ask yourself that question when I only was physically with my ex for 20 days the entire year he was gone, when I never cheated, and when I cried myself to sleep at night.
Where did we go wrong?
He returned home and back to a life he desperately wanted only to continue in the mindset he developed while he was in Afghanistan. He moved to my university so we could be together. We did everything right, but in the end, the distance and our growth apart ended it.
The best part?
I told him even if we were together or not, I would still be going to Japan. I knew I could never put my dreams on hold for anyone. If I did, I would have resented him for the opportunities I missed. To this day, him checking out of the relationship and me breaking up with him was the best thing that happened to me in 2011.
I set foot through the gates at O'Hare on July 28, 2012 and I never looked back. I delved into my life long dream of living in Japan. I experienced the joys of being a teacher, laughing with my students, and opening my mind to a world bigger than the one I came from.
Here I am, almost three years later, writing about the Land of the Rising Sun. Here I write, actually having climbed Mount Fuji and seen that sun as I listened to the national anthem of Japan. My life isn't perfect (because there are some days I really get fed up with this place), but it's beautiful, eye opening, and everything I wanted it to be.
I'm not saying there's not a chance in hell long distance works, but there's not a chance in hell it will ever work for me. My last long term relationship ended miserably, but that doesn't mean all my relationships will. Distance just isn't my thing. Based on my experiences, I can't hold out for one person while there's so many interesting people to meet and beautiful places to explore. I don't know where I'm going to be in the next year or what I'm going to eat for breakfast tomorrow. I do know that it's kinder to let my partner go and find happiness with another than to have them not knowing what I'm doing or who I'm with.
If you want to come along for the journey, grab your passport and my hand because the world is my playground. Good luck to all you fabulous people who do have long distance relationships. I wish you the best and hope you never encounter a situation like mine.
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Sumber https://ginabearsblog.blogspot.com
I'm not here to point fingers and say, "Long distance doesn't ever work." In some cases, it does, and my friends who moved across the world for love and married can definitely attest to successfully making their relationship work. In the end, someone had to sacrifice their dreams, home, country, and family to be together.
Long distance takes a toll on both parties mentally, physically and emotionally. As you spend time apart, you are not growing together as a couple. You're growing as separate people in the environment shaping you.
Once upon a time,
I was in a relationship with a soldier. I called him my hero. And he was a hero. A pahlawan to the country I love dearly. In April 2010, we started dating. August 2010, he deployed to Afghanistan and I transferred to Illinois State University from community college. We were both starting different chapters in different places.
What a soldier who is deployed fears the most is a Dear John letter. Horror stories about fellow comrades' women cheating caused him a great deal of paranoia. He was right to be fearful. There were many temptations of handsome young men at my college and drinking a little would lower inhibitions low enough to take them home. But you know what? I didn't. I knew even if I brought those unknown men home, it wouldn't fill the void in my heart for the person I truly desired. If there's one thing I pride myself on, it's loyalty. I am 100% in it from the get go, shit hit the fan or not. My ex would constantly beg me to be careful, not to drink, and watch who I was going out with (wow, I didn't know my roommates were so bad).
It was starting to take a toll on me mentally because I knew he believed I would cheat if he didn't warn me. Cheating wasn't part of my agenda. Why would I cheat? Shit happens, but my father always told me to trust someone as far as I could throw them, which, pre-Cross Fit days, wasn't very far. It didn't make sense to me. Had I given him any reason prior not to trust me, I would have understood.
Physically, the distance was taking a toll on me because he was so far away. There was no one to hold me at night while I cried tears of sadness, missing, hurting, wishing. No one was there to kiss my forehead and be my support. When you enter a relationship, your significant other becomes your best friend. Losing your best friend causes grief. The longing, the wanting. It's never easy. Quite frankly, those are emotions I hate having.
 |
| Because being rude and getting drunk with your brother is something to worry about -.- |
We made it through the deployment. He transferred to Illinois State and moved into an apartment a block away from me. I spent the majority of time at his apartment only to find the person who came back wasn't the person who left the previous year. I was living with a stranger.
I had a lot of my plate before and after he returned. So much so, it was starting to affect our relationship on top of my ex readjusting to civilian life. He became angry with me when I wasn't there for him and expected me to help nurse the hurts he had. I'm a pretty awesome person, but I'm no shrink. I told him to see a professional to help him get through things I could not help him with. At the time, I was only 21 years old and couldn't figure out my own life and problems. How on earth could I help someone who was shutting me out and saying I understood nothing of what he felt? He was right, I didn't understand, and I didn't want to delve into the fucked up workings of his mind.
I heard many military wives and girlfriends say, "If you can make it through a deployment, you can make it through anything. No one ever quite tells you how to deal with the aftermath. He had all ready mentally checked out the third month he had been home.The fourth month after his return, his actions, the arguments, ditching me to walk home alone on the college campus late at night, expecting me to tolerate people that made my skin crawl, and his post war readjustment made me end it. I said goodbye for my own good as well as his.
The hurt I had from his mental check out was the worst of all. He was waiting for me to end it and accused me of never being there for him during the deployment and when he was back. There's many more factors involved and the break up was super messy. I'm barely scraping the surface. Am I selfish? Ask yourself that question when I only was physically with my ex for 20 days the entire year he was gone, when I never cheated, and when I cried myself to sleep at night.
Where did we go wrong?
He returned home and back to a life he desperately wanted only to continue in the mindset he developed while he was in Afghanistan. He moved to my university so we could be together. We did everything right, but in the end, the distance and our growth apart ended it.
The best part?
I told him even if we were together or not, I would still be going to Japan. I knew I could never put my dreams on hold for anyone. If I did, I would have resented him for the opportunities I missed. To this day, him checking out of the relationship and me breaking up with him was the best thing that happened to me in 2011.
I set foot through the gates at O'Hare on July 28, 2012 and I never looked back. I delved into my life long dream of living in Japan. I experienced the joys of being a teacher, laughing with my students, and opening my mind to a world bigger than the one I came from.
Here I am, almost three years later, writing about the Land of the Rising Sun. Here I write, actually having climbed Mount Fuji and seen that sun as I listened to the national anthem of Japan. My life isn't perfect (because there are some days I really get fed up with this place), but it's beautiful, eye opening, and everything I wanted it to be.
I'm not saying there's not a chance in hell long distance works, but there's not a chance in hell it will ever work for me. My last long term relationship ended miserably, but that doesn't mean all my relationships will. Distance just isn't my thing. Based on my experiences, I can't hold out for one person while there's so many interesting people to meet and beautiful places to explore. I don't know where I'm going to be in the next year or what I'm going to eat for breakfast tomorrow. I do know that it's kinder to let my partner go and find happiness with another than to have them not knowing what I'm doing or who I'm with.
If you want to come along for the journey, grab your passport and my hand because the world is my playground. Good luck to all you fabulous people who do have long distance relationships. I wish you the best and hope you never encounter a situation like mine.
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| How Being an Expat Changed Me |
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